Can We Trust Bill Simmons? A Breakdown of His ‘Any Given Wednesday’ Promo

I’ll let it be known I am a Bill Simmons Stan, from Grantland to the Ringer I’m all in, just going deaf by listening to podcasts on full blast on the subway day after day.

However with that said, Mr. Simmons is out here throwing some hot take grenades at us in this promo for his new HBO show ‘Any Given Wednesday.’ So, it is my journalistic (loosely used term) duty to dive into some of these claims.

I believe the defending NBA champion should wear championship belt to every game.

Initially I was so far in, just imaging the Warriors pissing off everyone more than they already do by strutting into every game with a gaudy belt on. Watching Steph Curry unable to walk as the belt acts as an anchor on his 120 lb. frame would be magical and picture Oscar Robertson shaking his fist in anger 82+ times per year would bring me great joy. But, not so fast, the sheer thought of LeBron James wearing a belt and kissing his biceps every single night is nauseating, granted I don’t think LeBron wins another title, but I’m not ready to take that chance, not even close.

I believe that Kanye is a genius, it’s just that he knows it and that’s the problem.

2/2 so far, not only has Kanye becoming an absolute disaster every time he opens his mouth, but his fame and success has lead him to actually believe he made Taylor Swift famous… fuck outta here ‘Ye. Normally I’d dive deeper into defending Kanye a little more (Champions dropped on Apple Music on Monday and it gets many fire emojis), but I’m still salty his Governor’s Ball performance got rained out and then he went and did a full set at Summer Jam, so yeah Kanye you’d be better off without realizing your own superior intelligence.

I believe that we should ban the DH, long putters, extra points, the N.I.T., and pick off throws.

What the fucker are we doing here? Ban the DH? Coming from a Big Papi fanboy that doesn’t seem like a wise move. Long putters? yawn, don’t care. Extra points finally got fun since they moved them back and we’ve got kickers wetting their pants every time their team scores, but I can do with or without them. I definitely support the N.I.T., with my alma mater being an often-tourney-missing-mid-major I need as many postseason chances as possible, shoutout to the CBIT. And pick off throws… As a Cubs fan and Jon Lester’s inability to throw within even 20 feet of 1st I support this, but too many problems arise like how on earth do you stop a dude from leading and swiping bags every time. Seems like we’ve got a lot of holes in this one.

I believe in the four point line.

The things I’d do to see all the old timers who cry about Steph Curry everyday have to comment on the introduction of a four point line… It would be goddamn majestic. Their discontent and get off my lawn attitudes would fuel generations of kids just heaving half court shots at their local YMCA’s from the time they can walk.

I believe soup is the perfect food.

What? Absolutely not, I am vehiminautely against soup, I’d even go as far to say it’s the saddest food. Oh, you’re too stick to chew? Have some soup. You’re freezing to the point you can’t freely move your jaw? Oh, have some soup. You’re too sad to consume solid food? Don’t worry we have this hot water that is sort of flavored like real food. Get lost.

I believe in a Belichik-Popovich Presidential ticket.

Is it too late for them to run this year or…..?

I believe every DiCaprio movie would be a little bit better as a Matt Damon movie.

This is pure blasphemy, Goodwill Hunting is my number one favorite movie, but that doesn’t diminish the undeniable greatness that is Leonardo DiCaprio. Is Matt Damon going to lead people in expeditions inside of their dreams? Who is Matt Damon going to paint like one of his french girls? What french girls are Matt Damon painting in the first place? Matt Damon in Django Unchained? That’s what I thought, let Damon stick to Bourne movies and growing potatoes on Mars and we can just enjoy both of them for what they bring to the table.

I believe that the 2004 ALCS was an act of God.

Enough. Boston. Sports.

I believe that tug of war should be an Olympic sport.

I have no idea how this would work as you’d imagine that other competing athletes would fall into contention for this “sport(?)” as well. But honestly I don’t care, tug of war was the highlight of every field day in elementary school, that rope and accompanied by a muddy pit separated the men from the boys and bringing that to the largest stage in sports is a must.

I believe that billionaires should pay for their own fucking football stadiums.

Get a little giddy when I see this promo on TV and I know this line is coming. The insanity of publicly funded stadiums is so absurd, just billionaires holding cities hostage to build a spaceship to play a game inside is nonsense. Most of the money pumped into stadiums is to buy shit so you don’t have to watch the game you’re at, super WiFi, giant luxury boxes, TVs, arcades, I don’t know just making theme parks/shopping malls where they just happen to play sports sometimes. And on principal alone the thought of paying something for someone who has infinity times more money than I ever will is annoying to say the least.

 

So, I guess I don’t agree with all Bill has to say, but that’s how you know you’re in a healthy relationship. However I think Mindy Kaling speaks for all of us:

Every guy I know wants Bill Simmons to be best man at their wedding

— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) May 28, 2016