June 19th was arguably the most important planned night of television in history and certainly during my lifetime. We had LeBron James trying to “win one for the land” against the two-time MVP and the reigning champs and we had Jon Snow and Sansa finally making moves in an attempt to thwart one of the most despicable characters in TV history. Both Bron Bron and Jon put together some legendary nights in big circumstances, but now the question is… who had the better performance?
- Followed up back to back 40+ point games by messing around and getting a triple double will a cool stat line of 27, 11, and 11 with 2 steals and 3 blocks to boot on his way to Finals MVP.
- One of those blocks was one of the definitive holy shit moments of Finals history when he tracked down Andre Iguodala:
- He proved why he’s the best player on planet Earth (right now, not ever, MJ will never surrender the crown he ain’t no Joffrey, fam)
- Won Cleveland their first title in 50 some odd years, so we can finally stop pitying them and be allowed to just let our hearts fill with the hate for LeBron & Co. deserve once again (I mean I think we always despised him, but just a little less when he went home).
- Helped give us J.R. Smith’s awesome tear filled press conference thanking his dad and also created the circumstances where J.R. could get turnt in Vegas just hosing chicks with champagne to the point he showed up in Cleveland without a single shirt left to wear.
- Was responsible for such a historic win that PornHub’s web traffic in Cleveland went down 47% after the game:
- Had some classic LeBron moments where he was chirping officials when Warriors’ players were trash talking him even though every block or dunk he was shit talking and giving everyone the stink eye.
- Counterpoint to delivering Cleveland their first title in 50+ years: I’m pretty sure 99% of Cleveland has circle jerks in support of Ohio State so they’re not as sad as they lead us on to believe.
- Got contested on a dunk late in the game and acted like his wrist was broken in 37 places, but then magically recovered.
Wrist really must’ve been killing you Bron Bron…
- Needed Kyrie to hit a dagger 3 for the ages to seal the deal:
- And finally let this image be the lasting moment of the biggest W of his career:
- Took his land of misfit toys ass army into an overmatched battle and wrecked scrubs for what felt like an eternity.
- Managed to just shred dudes who were on horseback while avoiding infinity arrows.
- Survived being trampled for what felt like an equally long time as the battle itself.
- Came out of the scuffle and just said fuck it and went right on to Winterfell to finish off Ramsay while nonchalantly blocking arrows at point blank range:
- Gave us arguably the most satisfying moment in Thrones history when he just beat the shit out of Ramsay before Sansa “let the dogs out” (I hate every publication that used that lame ass joke, including me right now).
- However, Sansa was nice enough to give him Ramsay’s playbook and basically said to forget Rickon’s irrelevant bum ass, but nope, just went full steam ahead got his horse merked all because he didn’t listen and because Rickon had never heard of a serpentine pattern.
- Next up, even though I gave him props for surviving getting trampled, Jon never should have found himself in such an embarrassing predicament. Can’t be having people thinking you’re the best swordsmen in the North and then end up gasping for air for ten minutes getting disrespected.
- Finally we learn towards the end that Sansa basically used him as a puppet and did not give a shit about whether or not he lived or died while she held Little Finger in her back pocket ready to casually win the battle. Basically she was his Kyrie, coming to drain the winning bucket in the closing moments.
VERDICT: Jon Snow in a landslide, I didn’t see LeBron strike down one single Warrior while Jon spent hours waxing that ass and avenging the wrongdoings done to his family and delivering us with just a beautiful *kisses finger tips* episode for the ages. I’ll forget about this Cavs victory, but I’ll never forget the Battle of the Bastards.