The Apple curse: Why I’m ready for a new iPhone (and you are, too)

Autocorrect forgets every proper word in the Oxford English Dictionary.

The screen freezes mid Instagram upload, forcing a restart.

Phone numbers cannot be completed as dialed.

And it all happens to happen within the last two months of your current 2-year contract, conveniently before the release of new iteration of the Apple iPhone. Every. damn. time.

“Try a hard reset,” doesn’t cut it at the Genius Bar now. Are our phones purposely deteriorating? Is Mr. Jobs himself is looking down on the tech-obsessed and casting a spell of slow systems and sad social media lovers? Apple doesn’t care! Apple wants the dolla dolla bills.

Is that true? I don’t know. But year after year, I do know my iPhone starts to suffer and slow down to an unbearable pace. And then, at the exact right moment as I’m swiping uncontrollably while ripping the case off while screaming, the flashy, sleek and modern advert takes over my television and introduces Apple’s new shiny toy.

BAM! Problem solved. Screw this old thing that made it through the last two years without a single scratch or water damage (despite some risky falls and rainy walks to the parking lot). I’m done with you. Just like that and $300 doesn’t seem like such a biggie when your current, dependable phone totally sh*ts the bed for no reason.

We can’t prove that Apple actually does such a thing (even though I’m sure they’re capable), Harvard University research shows that the online search volume for “iPhone slow” significantly spikes just before the time of a new release.

So even if we don’t have the hard facts to say it for certain, let’s go Two Buttons Deep for a minute. LMK if you can add anything to the list and I’ll march right up to their CEO to put my speculations to rest.

Scenario #1: Why would Apple purposely slow down its devices before a new product release?

  • Users easily become frustrated with the decreased quality of their current device and think the newer model will solve their problem. Pre-orders = cha-ching!
  • The appropriate timing would heighten people’s attentiveness to Apple’s news about upcoming product releases, inspiring a new purchase sooner.
  • Even if people search, “iPhone slow” on the Web, users would likely end up on the Apple site, which increases traffic and potential for conversions (sales).
  • If the company does choose to recognize the issue, Apple would look a hero with the solution: a new $300+ device where you can be the first one of your friends to have it.

 

Scenario #2: Why wouldn’t they?

  • Most people (besides the innovators and early adopters) would hang on to their old devices for far too long before upgrading.
  • Loyal or first-time Apple users might blame the issue of the slow device on a larger issue, and then switch to a new model like Android or Windows to resolve it.
  • ^ The company looks unreliable, and would not be able to defend itself when questioned about the obvious tech problem.

 

I’m torn. But I’m also pre-ordering on September 9 with the sole motivation of not having a slow-ass phone anymore. Don’t even care about the new features, wireless headphones or sleek design. If they do this on purpose, they’re doing a brilliant job (or I’m just a total sucker). Go 2BD and take the poll to weigh in.