Winners and Losers: Tim Tebow Signs With The New York Mets

Former NFL QB and reincarnation of our lord and savior, Tim Tebow, put on a showcase for 28 MLB teams last month and received mixed (primarily negative) reviews. To no surprise, the 6-3 255 lb. and 7.3% body fat (good lord) Tebow excelled in physical drills showing good speed and the ability to hit a ball to the moon in BP.

However, after being away from live game action for a dozen years he showed poor footwork in the outfield, an inability to hit live pitching and laughable arm strength for a former Heisman winning quarterback. Despite all this, a reported 5-8 teams were in the running to land his services with the New York Mets coming away with his signature. So, other than obvious winner (Tebow) who else benefits from this decision? And who are the biggest losers?

WINNERS

SKIP BAYLESS

The number one winner, maybe even more than Tebow, is newly minted Fox Sports 1 personality, Skip Bayless. If you watched even one second of ESPN’s First Take over the last decade you will know Bayless has a borderline dangerous and obsessive fascination with Tebow.  Well, after a short hiatus from the limelight there’s now a whole bunch more Tebow fodder for Bayless to salivate over and to annoy FS1’s seven viewers with.

There’s a peek at Bayless’ first Tebow-will-be-a-great-baseball rant that you can seek out yourself if you feel like vomiting all over your computer.

ESPN/FS1

Both Skip’s current and former employers will reap the benefit of this event with non-stop coverage and seeking the opinion of every single analyst/writer/homeless guy they can find to pollute the airwaves with their hot takes.

BARSTOOL SPORTS

It only took approximately 1.6 seconds before Barstool whipped up these shirts that will make it easy to identify every delusional fan/”ironic” bro/person you should hate.

Can’t knock the hustle though, money talks and they are going to sell a zillion of these before Tebow even arrives to Port St. Lucie for the instructional fall league on September 18th.

*patiently waits for Feitelberg to mistakenly accuse the MLB twitter account of tweeting more about Tebow than Mike Trout*

METS MINOR LEAGUE AFFILIATES/FANS

Aside from their short-season affiliate in Brooklyn, the Mets farm system had absolutely abysmal attendance numbers in 2015. AAA Las Vegas ranked 25th out of 30 teams, AA Binghamton ranked 26th out of 30 teams and A St. Lucie ranked 47th out of 60 (Adv. A and A). While it’s too bad that their affiliates aren’t in a few more hodunk-middle-of-nowhere spots it’ll be fun for these places and their fans to get some recognizable star power.

Oh, yeah and the Mets can’t license any merchandise until Tebow is on the 40-man roster so these clubs will reap huge benefits being able to slap his name on jerseys in the meantime.

TROLLS

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I spent the summer in NYC and I can confidently say there are a lot of people with short fuses inhabiting the Big Apple. That doubles when you get dudes straight out of work pounding tall boys on the LIRR headed to Citi Field. Now that I’m back within the safe confines of the 518, I personally cannot wait for the first story of a “Tebow is going to be awesome” inspired fist fight.

NEW YORK METS

Not only are the Mets just cashing in on all the publicity and media attention they also signed a CAA/Brodie Van Wagenen client. Who the hell is that you ask? Well, he’s the same guy who reps current Met players Yoenis Cespedes (sort of, there’s a Roc Nation component in there), Jacob deGrom and Noah Syndergaard. So, not only do the Mets get to own the biggest story in the news cycle they also got to throw a little goodwill in the direction of a man who will have a significant impact on their future.

JESUS

Has there ever been anyone to have a bigger comeback after being literally crucified? Walk on water, turn water into wine, allow everyone to be forgiven for their sins, yawwwwwwn. He got a guy who throws like this:

tebow-pick-.gifTwo national titles, a Heisman trophy, stints on 4 different NFL teams and a $100,000 signing bonus to play baseball despite playing his last game while Destiny’s Child was still together. That is hands down Jesus’ greatest performed miracle. Don’t @ me.

LOSERS

EVERY WRITER/ANALYST/COMMENTATOR NOT NAMED SKIP BAYLESS

Oh dear god how I feel for “actual” humans in the sports business today. The amount of garbage questions every former professional baseball and football player will have to answer is going to be absolutely nauseating. And let’s just all brace ourselves for grainy live SportsCenter look-ins to fall instructional league games for every Tebow at-bat courtesy of a video taken on some dude’s Motorola Razor.

I bet when this news broke today Stephen A. Smith actually broke down crying, just sobbing uncontrollably knowing that he won’t need to get in shouting matches with Skip over this.

MICHAEL JORDAN

MJ put up a very pedestrian (that’s putting it kindly) .202 AVG along with 3 homers and 51 RBIs during his time with AA Birmingham back during his hoops hiatus (granted he may not have been totally locked in since he was just biding his time during a low-key gambling suspension from the NBA, but that’s a story for another day).

Regardless, if Tebow manages to pull this baseball thing off just wait for all the pictures of baseball Jordan getting hit with the Crying MJ treatment.

CURRENT MLB AND NFL PLAYERS

ESPN’s Rich Cirimi already managed to coerce this verbal hand job out of Tebow’s former teammate, Eric Decker:

“Guys will have to respect what he’s done during his tenure in the NFL and who he is and the college football player he was. There’s going to be mixed emotions [among his new teammates], I’m sure. … He’s going to be a good teammate. I think he’s going to be very respectful. He’s not going to come in with a chip on his shoulder or [say], ‘I’m Tim Tebow, here’s the red carpet.’ He’s not that type of guy in my experience. Guys will respect his work ethic and the person.”

Players across both sports will be hard-pressed to escape a single interview without getting asked some asinine question about Tebow and be forced to spit BS praise about his intangibles while choking on their analysis of his lack of actual baseball ability.

CURRENT MINOR LEAGUE PLAYERS AND THOSE WHO COULDN’T CUT IT

The group I feel the worst for are Tebow’s minor league teammates. Let’s face it, the vast majority of minor league players are never even sniffing the big leagues and these years playing in small markets is their only chance at anything that even resembles celebrity.

These guys are heroes in their little bubbles for a short while before they end up peddling insurance or slinging used cars, but now Tebow comes in to steal all of the shine. The Mets’ front office is hammering the fact Tebow will be such a good influence on these guys  and that’s true, but only if they don’t overflow with resentment before he even takes the field for his first batting practice.

And then there are the guys that have already had their time in the minors expire. Countless bus trips and a measly $25 per meal per diem while getting shipped from one nowhere small town to another and then Tebow waltzes in after over a decade away from the game and gets a cool $100K and the ability to keep his cushy SEC Network gig on top of it.

A true “life isn’t fair” moment that surely is going to bring out the saltiness in a whole mess of players, both past and present.