Columbus Day Sucks And Not Because Of The Reasons You Think

The second Monday in October has been a federal holiday celebrating the “discovery” of the New World by Christopher Columbus for over 45 years. And every single one has been trash and they’re getting more trash by the year.

We only get ten federal holidays a year, that’s only 2.7% of the year’s days, and one of them goes to some guy who got lost and NEVER EVEN STEPPED FOOT IN NORTH AMERICA.

Four trips. Zero steps in the United States. A country that now has a day dedicated to him. But before you stop reading, this isn’t going to be an outline of all the terrible stuff Columbus did (there’s a lot and it’s well documented), but instead a look at all the other reason why this day sucks in addition to the obvious.

First off, it’s exceedingly confusing to the point where I don’t even know if this constitutes a real holiday. Nobody knows what is open and what is closed. I have class, but youths do not, my roommate has the day off, but my girlfriend is working and the internet dads are freaking out about daycares being closed?

And don’t get all up and arms about Leif Erikson here either, he barely made it to Canada, so he and Leif Erikson Day can suck it too. (October 9th, in case you didn’t know, which you didn’t)

a84537a1c970534260a78dba0ea9daea

If only you knew the only reason people pushed to get him more recognition in the first place was because over a hundred years ago the only thing Americans hated more than the Catholic Church was Italians. *Full disclosure* I haven’t done my full power rankings of things hated by late 19th century Americans, so don’t @ me.

But nope, and since controversy is attached to this day and it gives everyone free reign to just burn the internet down with hot takes:

screen-shot-2016-10-10-at-3-54-41-pm

I’m exhausted after reading 3 tweets, that’s where we’re at on Columbus Day. I can live with the white man joke, not a more privileged group in history and I’m not about to start nitpicking over an average burn. BUT, how dare “BrooklynDad4Hillary” tell me to think about “THAT,” goddammit, they literally could’ve said that the sky was blue before that and I would have dismissed it immediately. Also Trump takes, so hot right now, so hot.

And then, well, the guy going all Monday Morning Quarterback on Indigenous people from over 500 years ago just made my computer explode.

In summation is Columbus Day really that bad?

14ddd784-3fa8-4ad2-aab8-83d432628998

If you hate Columbus Day then maybe it’ll make you feel better that he spent the last decade and a half of his life battling a fatal super arthritis brought on by a chlamydia or gonorrhea, that had symptoms consisting of bleeding from the eyes.

And if you’re really gonna ride and die with Christopher Columbus, I can do nothing for you and even if I could, I would not.

And to think all I wanted to do today was get lost in the growing mythology that surrounds Ken Bone. Shine bright through the darkness that is today you beautiful angel.