Savage Chandler Parsons Is The Best Chandler Parsons

Ah, Chandler Parsons aka Chandler Bang aka Mad Chicken aka Tip Dunk Eddy first arrived on the scene as a shaggy-haired Florida Gator who spent four years just making it rain down south.

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From there he went on to become a second round pick (38th overall) of the Houston Rockets in 2011 and for a minute there some “Great White Hope” rumblings started aka let us pray he can make a handful of open threes and maybe pick up a highlight dunk at some point.

These relatively modest beginnings to his professional career was reflected in his dating life (in terms of NBA player standards). Parsons enjoyed a 2-year stint with Robyn Crowley (sister of Johnny Manziel’s ex, Colleen) followed by flings with actress KC Concepcion and singer Christina Perri.

But, oh no, the 6’10 Parsons wouldn’t settle for our meager expectations. He found himself in the position to sign a 3-year $46m contract in 2014 and after opting out last summer he signed a 4-year $94.4m contract with the Memphis Grizzlies.

This is all a part of his transformation into the Chandler we know today, a goddamn savage.

Parsons averages a fine 14 points, 5 rebounds and 3 assists per game over his career, but has missed out on nearly 100 of the possible 448 regular season games he could’ve played in:

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Despite being injured seemingly all the time and seeing his career averages decrease over the past several seasons, Parsons has been terrorizing the dating game as of late.

He split from Victoria’s Secret and former Leonardo DiCaprio girlfriend, Toni Garrn, back in early November and since then he has kicked up a notch.

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For the most part he handled his break up like any one of us would, hitting up every girl in your phone, both new endeavors and old flames, as well as sending a shitload of regrettable messages:

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He started laying the groundwork back in August when he was seen palling  around with Kate Beckinsale at Hyde Nightclub (Google it, it’s dope AF).

Parsons was in that classic scenario where neither person wants to break it off, but they know it’s coming, so you start feeling out potential prospects for the next chapter of your life. It also helps that Beckinsale was fresh off a divorce.

From there Parsons played it cool until after his split when he was seen out to dinner with Hailey Baldwin (yes, those Baldwins) for her birthday in November:

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And of course our guy had to toss it on Instagram to make sure his ex would see it. Baldwin claims they’re just friends… but come on… models…NBA players…just come on.

Also screw Chandler Parsons for being so rich and handsome that a white t-shirt and wearing a cap like a doofus is acceptable birthday dinner attire with a model.

The following events lead me to believe that Parsons was thinking date, Baldwin thinking BFFAEAE and the subsequent result was #friendzone for “Chandler Bang.”

And that’s where things really went off the rails. Everyone thinks when they get out of a long-term relationship that all the people they’ve always wanted to hook up will all of a sudden be down to play, that you will literally be drowning in the genitalia of the opposite sex, but us mortals know that is definitely not the case.

The medicine for this sad realization is shots, both the kind you shoot and the kind you drink and boy did Chandler gooooo for it. First with the always promising “show me your tits” on the Instagram live feed of former Barstool Sports Smokeshow Felicia Sanders:

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Believe it or not this was unsuccessful and lead to an absolutely roasting throughout the world wide web. This would deter most people, maybe tell them to reevaluate their motives and you know what Chandler Parsons would say to those people? You’re goddamn quitters.

Just three or so days later he appeared on the Instagram live feed of golfer/recently engaged/internet girlfriend of Barstool Trent, Paige Spiranac:

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And who knows how many other streams he may have popped up on that went unnoticed, but all I do know is that women everywhere who wish to steer clear of Chandler’s advances should thank Joel Embiid.

For a little context this is what Embiid left on Parson’s Instagram back in October before a nothing preseason game:

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So, now that it is established that Embiid has zero filter here is how he decided to respond to Parsons’ free spirited attempts at obtaining female companionship:

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First going right to the source coming at Parsons then BAM off the top rope on teammate Ben Simmons’ stream. God bless Joel Embiid, a national treasure that needs to be protected for eternity.

Parsons later responded to rumors, once again via Instagram live, which I was unaware was a favorite platform amongst all famous people or at least famous people that find themselves somehow involved in Chandler Parsons’ horn dog escapades:

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And it seemed this boy becoming man moment opened Chandler’s eyes as he was once again seen with the more mature Kate Beckinsale on New Year’s Eve and the encounter actually occurred in person and not via the comments section on a live stream:

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It’s truly wonderful to see someone struggling to grow up right before you and really find themselves.

Just kidding, two days later when the Grizzlies were in LA to play the Lakers he was spotted with former fling, Kendall Jenner, at a Bentley dealership:

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Word on the street is that they’re “just friends” and Kendall is dating Lakers guard, Jordan Clarkson, but come on if this isn’t a you vs. the guy she told you not to worry about situation then I don’t know what is.

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In a relationship or not, savage Chandler Parsons is plotting on the low on how to break that up and if things don’t go his way we will likely be blessed with the return of Instagram live commentator Chandler Parsons.

God please bring that Chandler back, please.