‘The Bachelor’ HOT TAKES – Week 4

screen-shot-2017-01-04-at-12-56-32-pmAlexis

Jack – She called out Raven for being an alien and I’m 100% behind that theory. But when she found out she had a 1v1 date with Nick the reason she was excited was because that meant Corinne didn’t get one. She’s too much of a team player to survive this battleground. 

Connor – Why do they keep relegating her to post credits duty? Segueing from a conversation about being afraid of ghosts into one about her fear of Nicolas Cage (the actor, in case you weren’t sure, thanks Alexis) and the possibility of Raven being an alien was conversation as an art form.
screen-shot-2017-01-04-at-12-56-27-pmAstrid

Jack – Made no significant strides after winning the race last episode. Also, this is all I can think of every time I hear her name. I actually thought The Office made up the name Astrid.

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Connor – After Astrid put her assets to use last week she was doing her best to try and carve out a role as a main player this week, I think her ego may be getting a little too bloated.

screen-shot-2017-01-04-at-12-56-18-pmCorinne

Jack – Corinne is slowly but surely taking over this show, it will shortly no longer be Nick’s show. If she ever is the bachelorette, television WOULD NEVER BE THE SAME. I’m 99% sure she is a plant from the network, there is NO WAY somebody acts like this on a real life basis. Just a Miami gal doing what a Miami gal has to do for the limelight.

Connor – Corinne owns so much real estate in all of these girls’ brains it is unbelievable. They eat, drink, sleep Corinne 24/7 and all credit goes to this unprivileged head of her (Dad’s) multi-million dollar (made up) company.

P.S. what kind of spa is she going to with tacos?

screen-shot-2017-01-04-at-12-56-13-pmDanielle L.

Jack – Went on a date in Nick’s hometown and had to “encounter” his ex-girlfriend downtown. This was a plant by Nick to show Danielle that he could have sex with women and retain a good relationship. I think Danielle took the hint.

Connor – Have mercy on our souls, Danielle L. was pulling zero punches this week. Next level cleavage game just ripping the throats out of the other contestants, the inevitable Danielle L. v. Vanessa final seems like the lock of the century.

screen-shot-2017-01-04-at-12-56-07-pmDanielle M.

Jack – I don’t think Danielle did anything this week except read the names on the date card. Does Nick realize she is within his reach? Does he like girls? Does he know Danielle would be the best thing to ever happen to him in his life? Does he know Danielle is the love interest in Cole Swindell’s hit country song, “Middle of the Memory?” Well, now you do.

Connor – My girl was getting very testy during that first rose ceremony after her one on one date, Nick’s attention has been almost completely absent and I think it’s starting to get to her. Watching a software salesman from a made up town in Wisconsin who I’m not even positive can read play with her heart is almost too much to handle.

screen-shot-2017-01-04-at-12-55-52-pmJaimi

Jack – Jaimi has worked nipples before and it was ever present when she dominated the cow milking game without questioning herself once.

Connor – Master cow milker, not sure what that says but it definitely says something.

screen-shot-2017-01-04-at-12-55-47-pmJasmine

Jack – Was she on this episode?

Connor – MIA this week besides some excellent manure disposal skills.

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Josephine

Jack – She became an ally with this season’s demon, Corinne, while stuffing their face with pigs in a blanket on the group date. That makes her an inevitably bad person, she’s bad news. She also wore a white shirt doing farm chores which may or may not be the equivalent of using a white lighter. She’ll be gone.

Connor – Another week with Josephine struggling for airtime. Thankfully she got to be a bit of an instigator coaxing Corinne into yet another heated face-off with Taylor.

screen-shot-2017-01-04-at-12-55-41-pmKristina

Jack – She actually spoke this episode which was a delight. She, much like Danielle M, deserve lightyears beyond anything Nick has to offer. She told Nick all she wanted was to talk to her Mother and ask, “if choosing alcohol over kids was worth it.” and Nick couldn’t give two hoots. Run Kristina!!!! 

Connor – Fake Anna Kendrick making moves! We got a healthy dose of that accent this week, but the fact Nick isn’t chomping at the bit to hear her origin story is a definite red flag.

screen-shot-2017-01-04-at-12-55-27-pmRaven

Jack – I now think she might be an alien after speculation from Alexis. She went on a  1v1 date with Nick to his little sister’s soccer game. One of her first questions to his parents was if he ever got spanked. Not a great kickoff with possibly future in-laws, but his sister did score a goal which was fun. Raven is also the THIRD almost-tv fiance his little sister has had to meet. She’s going to think this is just how it is by the time her years come around. God bless.

Connor – Raven will beat your ass with a stiletto, but not until after she goes all Jon Snow v. Ramsay Bolton on your side piece. Hot damn, I did not see that coming, really changed my entire perception of her, which up until now was constantly wondering how she was still there.

screen-shot-2017-01-04-at-12-55-22-pmSarah

Jack – Was she on this episode?

Connor – Bizarro Sarah Hyland kept her streak of looking very cute, but making no impact alive.

screen-shot-2017-01-04-at-12-55-16-pmTaylor

Jack – She think’s she’s the unsung hero but she’s actually waaaay to stuck up about her intelligence for being 23. She broke down the different types of intelligence to Corinne, the least intelligent of the group. She was explaining the difference between physical intelligence and emotional intelligence, but what she was saying was more than less common sense, not the product of a masters degree in psychology. Chill the f out, Taylor, just ride the wave and stay out of Corinne’s way.

Connor – Ding ding ding, we have a new leader in the clubhouse in the running for girl on here I hate the most. Somehow Taylor has defied the odds and supplanted Corinne for the crown of most dislikable girl in the Bachelor Mansion. Just on some next level annoying shit this week as Corinne’s dominance slowly erodes her brain.

screen-shot-2017-01-04-at-12-55-10-pmVanessa

Jack – Told Nick she was going to “give him the rose back” if he gave one to Corinne. She seemed so on track, but then Corinne still got a rose and Vanessa fell right off those tracks and into Nick’s arms. Then she showed him a children’s book her students made for Nick. Sweet? Sort of, but you could tell it was a red flag for Nick, who was envisioning a lifetime of pretending to care about her students. Yikes.

Connor – Give her the damn ring today. Vanessa is the very definition of a real one and honestly has zero business being anywhere near this show.

screen-shot-2017-01-04-at-12-55-05-pmRachel

Jack – I didn’t even take one note on her, thought she was kicked off. 

Connor – Yawwwwwwwn, since her Week 1 rise to the top of the power rankings she’s been non-existent.

screen-shot-2017-01-04-at-2-39-33-pmWhitney 

Jack – Whitney spoke up this episode and it was like…she spent the last 4 episodes putting together the sentence she wanted to say. “I feel we have the chemistry, for the marriage, and have the kids.” Keep trying Whitney, I’m rooting for ya’

Connor – Whitney finally on the board! Just kidding, “Whitney Who?” still in full swing as she continues to be the show’s greatest enigma.

Read our past Hot Takes Here
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