The 10 People Most Likely To Be At Your Superbowl Party

The Political Pundit

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You will inevitably find yourself in a situation where a partygoer attempts to sully the excitement of a Patriots fan by bringing up the ties of their owner, coach and star QB to our nation’s most loathed president. And quick spoiler alert, if you’re at my party that will be me.

The Racheal Ray

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This lady got suckered in by the Today Show’s Super Bowl dish ideas and now she boasts to the room about her dip as if it’s a family recipe passed down from the 8th generation grandmother. And even if it’s good you won’t even be able to swallow a nibble of Tostitos before you’re getting hit with a sheepish grin and a “so, how’s the dip?”

The Human Garbage Disposal

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Someone will show up to your shindig with a stomach as empty as their hands. No appetizer will be safe, pigs in a blanket will be killed off by the dozen and bags of chips will be reduced to crumbs without warning. Prepare yourself with backup stashes to be used in case of emergency.

The What’s That Mean-er

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This person waited until the pinnacle of football games to ask about football. For 17+ weeks they tuned out the commentary in the background as they occupied themselves elsewhere. But now they’re catching drift of why football is fun to watch and they want to know what it all means, why they made that call, and who that quarterback is. All at the expense of somebody else’s sanity.

The Outside Voice Guy

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Arguably one of the Super Bowl party’s most egregious guests falling victim to the classic formula. Loud speakers + passion + 3 beers = Uncle Jim is going to scream far beyond the audible levels of appropriate indoor voices. The dog will be startled and you’ll let him off the hook because it’s the Superbowl as his wife passive-aggressively rubs his neck to cool him down.

The Cowboys Fan

giphy-1.gifThere will be one friend with the self-proclaimed witty idea to show up wearing a team’s jersey who isn’t in the superbowl. Maybe it’s because they can’t fathom their team lost in the first round of the playoffs, maybe it’s because they’re a cowboys fan and just love being known as the douche in the room. Whatever it is, they’ll spill dip on it and everyone will get a little schadenfreude.

The Offensive Coordinator

Get ready for all the Lane Kiffin wannabes to get your couch mistaken for the sidelines at NRG Stadium screaming, they’ll nudge you, tell you their idea, then bask in the glory when the team does anything remotely to what they guessed. On the flip, when the team flops and their idea totally would’ve worked, you can sit back and smirk at their insanity as motion at the TV while screaming “throw it!” and “you’re a pussy!” because it totally would have worked in Madden.

The Hustler

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If there’s anything that intrigues outsiders to the Superbowl, it’s the food, the commercials, and gambling. It’s a way to win a quick buck, if it’s organized well. Game bets, squares, plus quirky bets like the color of the Gatorade shower, Lady Gaga’s first song, or how many times they show Giselle. Whatever it is, money can be made, and the entrepreneur/guy who’s recovering from his latest pyramid scheme venture will be asking you to join.

The Don Draper of the Internet

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It’s no secret commercials are a big draw to the superbowl, it’s also not a secret that they’re not a secret anymore due to some of the biggest companies releasing their commercial a few days early online, for good reason. This creates what I’ll call “social ambassadors” who will alert the crowd when a good commercial is on and inevitably ruins it “omg this is so good, just watch, are you watching? do you see it? Ok now watch the puppy. HAHA. omg.”

The Concert Goer

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The Lady Gaga super-fan will surely be represented. They’ll have their head leaning against their arm with disinterested eyes moving from their phones and back to the TV only for the occasional commercials, but when Lady Gaga descends from the rafters or from a pile of cow meat or within a pack of bulls or something else equal parts outrageous and equal parts Texan, they will perk up and be transported into a world in which excitement fills their hearts and anything is possible. They are there for the halftime show and the halftime show only and absolutely zero talking will be allowed during that holy 14 minutes of pop culture gold.