Sudan is the last male northern white rhino on Earth and one of only three left in total. He spends his days under 24/7 armed guard at Kenya’s Ol Pejeta Conservancy and that’s not the only thing that surrounds him. Poor Sudan is also surrounded by failure. Failure to breed with the last two female northern white rhinos that inhabit the same conservancy.
“I wouldn’t sleep with you if you were the last guy on Earth,” is often a saying a girl will throw at you if you’re trying to shoot your shot without realizing you’re actually standing at half court.
Usually it’s met with a little shame and a chuckle, but that’s because in the back of your mind you know that isn’t actually true. If you were really the last male human left on Earth that girl would totally give you her number (probably). But, this is definitely not the case for Sudan.
These two gals (Najin and Fatu) don’t need no man would rather let their entire species go extinct then let Sudan score.
And when all men are defeated they put their (typically metaphorical, but in this case literal) tail between their legs and head to the mecca of shame and loneliness where chivalry is dead and everyone has daddy issues, Tinder.
Let’s see how Sudan did in his maiden voyage into this murky corner of social media apps:
Off the top, looking good, always nice to point out your unique qualities and being the last of a species is a good bullet to have your resume.
But, then we run into trouble. What’s the number one rule of courting a mate? 1. Do not seem needy/desperate/out of options and for fuck sakes we hit the trifecta here. “I don’t mean to be too forward but the fate of my species literally depends on me.”
Come on Sudan! Christ almighty, tip your toe in the waters before you go looking for a soul mates, sheesh. Let yourself get into a little bit of strange before your settle down, you don’t want to be the guy who gets into a long-term thing way too soon and then regrets not exploring the rest of his life because “the longevity of his species was at stake.”
But, fine, he’s been out of the game for a while and he does have extinction on his mind, so let’s see what’s next… “performs well under pressure,” good lord, apparently fucking not bud.
You couldn’t keep your cool through two sentences of your Tinder bio and failed to convince the last two females of your species that you were worth doing the ol’ hey how’s yer father, the bedroom rodeo, the hibbety-dibbety, nothing, nada, zilch! Good under pressure my backside Sudan!
And also, anything that can be perceived as a reference to your sexual stamina belongs no where near your Tinder bio, day one stuff, gross.
“I like to eat grass and chill in the mud.” Yeah, that’s fine we all like to do that from time to time.
“No problems.” Smart, ward off the craziness that you attracted by putting in your Tinder bio that you want them to be responsible for saving your species.
“6ft tall and 5,000lbs if it matters.” If it matters? I think it fuckin’ might, you’re on a dating app for human beings! The average weight of an adult human…. prepare to feel badly about yourself in 3…2…1… is a measly 137 pounds, so yeah I think weighing the same as a midsize sedan will be an issue.
F – you get an F Sudan, good luck repopulating the Earth with your offspring with trash Tinder game like that.
So, since Sudan stinks at picking up girls and is even worse at Tinder, make sure to throw him a pity right-swipe and donate, so they can attempt to trick the final two female northern white rhinos into taking his sperm via IVF and if you’re too civilized for Tinder visit the World Wildlife Fund and donate there.
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