Candy Crush Is Now A Real Show On Television And We May Have Hit The Bottom of the Barrel

Someone has got to help me out because I refuse to believe that I am ‘out of touch’ with society. And this dramatic outburst I’m about to play out isn’t coming from a snobby, intellectual who spends his days reading 1000 page novels, but from the point of view of a dude who spent his childhood with his television as his best friend (sad isn’t it?).

I get it Mr. T.V Executive. Rebooting 90’s television shows and bringing back 1970’s game shows is a smart play call, and I applaud you for throwing down that nostalgia card that you’ve been waiting to throw down. I personally cannot wait for The Suite Life of Zack and Cody and Drake and Josh (even though this one seems unlikely) reboots to make a comeback in a decade.

Unfortunately, we have hit the bottom of the barrel when it comes to originating new ideas. Major stations, like CBS, NBC, ABC, and Fox have historically been amazing at delivering high-quality content. However, their current projects have been mostly crappy, unoriginal storylines that leave us scratching our heads as to how it even got on t.v in the first place. I mean if they are looking for mediocre writers with a limited creative capacity, then you can hire me right now.

But seriously, there comes to point where there has to be a stop to what actually gets put on major television networks and I think that day came yesterday when I watched this doozy of a commercial right before I fell asleep.

 

Candy Crush is going to be a television show. Candy Crush isn’t a television show, it’s a thing you watch over someone’s shoulder while you wait for the subway. This show will most definitely capture the attention of people while they wait for their phone to charge to play the games themselves.

And really, Mario Lopez, you want me to match candies as fast as possible? Thanks for the tip. Hope my remaining brain cells can handle those intense rules while I hang upside down on this high-intensity game show. And while we’re on it, what the hell is going on with the Trapeze display? I thought I was matching candy, not auditioning for Cirque Du Soleil.

If major network big wigs think this is this going to bring families around the television set again, they have another thing coming to them because I just don’t see it sticking. Was the CBS creative team thinking of how can they deliver the worst possible show with an outdated iPhone app?

You are literally taking a game you play on the toilet to hide away from you family during Thanksgiving and saying ‘Hey, let’s take this, blow it up on a huge 30-foot monitor, add an unnecessary zip line, and deliver it to millions of Americans every week.’ Brilliant!

But this is what I’m getting at. Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should. That is an important lesson, not just for tv, but for life. We have officially hit the bottom of the barrel of idea generation. I hope you guys are on board with me and see where I am coming from. If not, at least I got Kimmel on my side.

 

 

Oh, and one last thing for CBS. I got a new game show. It’s called ‘Popcorn: From Box to Mouth.” The game would be inviting contestants onto the show to see if they can make their 9 o’clock snack while crawling through their kitchen with knives at every bend. Because, you know, why the hell not?

What fun!



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