I Am Devoting Myself To The Church Of Bieber

News broke midweek that Justin Bieber was cancelling the remainder of his Purpose World Tour and speculation swirled immediately as to why.

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Exhaustion? A valid reason, the Purpose Tour has been going for EIGHTEEN MONTHS. Eighteen. Over 150 shows on six continents in eighteen goddamn months. Biebs has been putting in that work.

Over the past year and a half (give or take) on top of this gauntlet of a tour schedule he’s managed to drop some of the bangiest bangers we’ve been blessed with. Beginning with “Cold Water,” which features the love of my life MØ, and most recently “2U.”

Even our good friend (though he doesn’t know it yet) John Mayer condoned Bieber on making this decision:

Bieber himself seemed to point towards just needing some time off when speaking with TMZ:

“Everything’s fine,” Bieber stated. “I’ve been on tour for two years. … Just resting and getting some relaxation. I’m gonna ride some bikes.”

But, just when this seemed pretty average, the good stuff started emerging:

A new report from TMZ suggests an even more specific reason for the tour’s cancellation – religion. He’s recently been spending a lot of time at Hillsong Church, where fellow churchgoers have apparently said Bieber has “rededicated his life to Christ.” He has also been spending a lot of time with Hillsong pastor Carl Lentz, recently accompanying him to a church event in Australia. – via Highsnobiety

And the headlines followed and in full force. “Justin Bieber Cancels His ‘Purpose’ Tour To Start His Own Church,” in some wording or another began circulating (despite literally zero evidence to this).

Speculation, smeculation, sign me up today. As someone who grew up with no religious identity and no real faith to really cling to, I think it’s about time that changed. All hail our lord and savior, the rolex wearin’, diamond ring wearin’, kiss stealin’, wheelin’ dealin’, limousine ridin’, jet flyin’, son of a gun, Justin Drew Bieber.

So, with nothing to go on, what will the Church of Biebs entail?

First off, weirdly hot pastors with zero regard for the way shorts were intended to be worn and the importance hips have in signifying the starting point of said shorts:

(We’re so close to penis here it’s making my kind of nervous that they’ll just slide down).

Next, and perhaps most important, fire tattoo sleeves:

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And equally bad naval ink.

Another huge plus, whacky hair cuts:

Sometimes we’re going to look like Ellen DeGeneres, other times Kristen Stewart. On occasion we’re going to look normal, then wonky and fuck it sometimes we’re going to inexplicably get baby dreads.

There’s also going to be lots of beautiful women everywhere:

That one is sort of self explanatory.

And we will also all have lots of famous friends:

And any good religion allows a certain degree of freedom of choice, which we will be exercising here, by not being friends Chris Brown and Floyd Mayweather Jr.

We will also have a scorching hot wardrobe with versatility:

And I mean versatility. Sometimes we’ll look like a NASCAR driver, other times flamboyant cowboys, but when the time comes we’ll be able to suit and pull out all the stops, and then a lot of the time we’ll just be dressed like assholes.

So, there you have it, a pretty airtight case persuading everyone to join the newest hottest cult of 2017. I feel the lord (Bieber, not Jesus, losers) in my veins just typing this.

When’s the first sermon? Oh, you don’t know? Stay woke up, I’m already in line waiting.



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