5 Reasons Why 2017 is Not the Year America Will Be Great Again

Seriously, 2017, what the F is going on? It’s been a weird year. There’s the typical bad news that just keeps getting worse: the natural disasters, acts of violence and corruption from the White House to Hollywood. But we’re not going to focus on the obvious ones, because now there’s sacred stuff at stake and I just can’t take it anymore.

We need to break down some OTHER reasons why this is not the year in which America becomes “great” again. And yes, I shouldn’t have to say it but this is satirical –don’t hit me with your third-world country stuff here, we know America’s still up there in the rankings at the end of the day.

1. Chipotle Queso sucks

The Chipotle vs. Moe’s debate has been going on for a long time. Honestly I don’t even know where I stand on the issue since each establishment has some significant W’s in their own right, but after some Chipotle drama over the last few years, they have finally created the one product Moe’s has had hanging over its head: queso.

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But guess what? The reviews are trash emoji x 10! Come on Chipotle, you are better than this and we all expected you to rise to the occasion and stop the “what’s better” debate for good. But nope, your product is underwhelming and lacks the flavor and texture that Moe’s queso lovers have grown to know and love. How dare you not only ruin your own reputation but the reputation we hold ourselves to here in America to make magnificently amazing and unhealthy queso.

2. USA Soccer won’t be in the World Cup

Earlier this week, the USA men’s soccer team lost their qualifying game against Trinidad and Tobago, which means USA will not appear in the World Cup for the first time since 1986. What was happening in the world in 1986? Was it better than 2017? Probably. 

In 1986:

  • 100 people participated in Nude Olympics race in Indiana (38°F)
  • A Ford Mustang cost $7,452 
  • Microsoft had its Initial public offering
  • NYC transit fare rose from 90 cents to $1.00
  • A 95-year-old woman scored a hole-in-one in Florida

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Well damn, with events like that going on in 1986 I’m sure people weren’t so bummed when USA didn’t qualify. But let me tell you, in 2017, the ONLY thing Americans need right now is an excuse to chant “USA! USA! USA!” as loud as possible in every public place for a good portion of the summer. The more you chant, the more you get pumped on the fact that America really is #1 even if we don’t actually dominate in every single sport.

3. You can’t charge your iPhone and use your headphones at the same time

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For those of you who have been rolling with the iPhone 7 or newest models that recently debuted, you’ve probably ran into this dilemma a time or two dozen. Since the charging port has replaced the headphone jack, our first world problems continue to get worse as we’re faced with the tough decision of upping our battery life or tuning out in an awkward or boring situation with a playlist or podcast.

This especially sucks when you’re traveling and outlets are hard to come by, but headphones are essential to drown out all the ridiculousness that comes with airports and public transportation. It totally takes the excitement out of getting on an airplane with charging ports but realizing you have to sacrifice your in-flight entertainment to use it.

4. Netflix raised its prices

So yeah, only by one dollar, but the experts say these price increases aren’t going to stop any time soon. The most popular subscription plan now costs $10.99 and for that extra dollar you won’t be expecting any upgrades on its features, aside from Netflix being able to produce and offer more killer content for streaming –which I guess is OK.

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But, the whole idea of streaming services is to offer an alternative solution to the high prices of traditional cable television. The thought of Netflix getting better and better is amazing for shows and movies, but a little alarming in terms of how much it might eventually cost to access all of the goodness.

5. Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve BOTH fall on weekends, which means less time off

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If you work a regular full-time job, AKA you’re a cube monkey like me, the holiday season can be great or terrible in terms of PTO. Some companies offer a paid week off between Christmas and New Years, but most do not. In the 2017 calendar, Christmas Eve and NYE both fall on a Sunday, which I am pretty sure STINKS for people who were hoping to get a couple of extra week days off for it.

So now you’re telling me we have already had to deal with all of the B.S. 2017 has had to offer for like 359 days and you’re not even going to give me the time off to decompress and enjoy the last of its weirdness before heading into a brand new year? Forget it.

Let’s just hope 2018 has a little bit more to offer…



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