I’m Ready To Start Doing Keg Stands Again (Of Hidden Valley Ranch)

If there’s anything more college than kegstands, please let me know. I believe Asher Roth is half to blame, tailgating for the other. It’s a rush of excitement, beer, and blood to your head all at the same time, your body just can’t do it forever. After college you gain weight, realize how gross that nozzle is, and really just stop buying kegs in general…until now.

This week Hidden Valley Ranch released a keg of ranch dressing, which is appropriate considering American’s fuckin’ LOVE ranch. Hidden Valley Ranch claims one third of Americans have ranch dressing in their household. But now that 1/3 are gonna need to buy a kegerator because of this:

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The condiment company has unveiled a five-liter “mini” metal keg filled with what’s said to be a “year’s supply” of ranch, presumably if owners keep it “flowin’” at the right pace. Which I can’t promise. Have you ever poured the right amount of dressing on something? No. I use ranch religiously with my pizza (or anything hot and salty, really) and when I pour it on the plate I give myself at least 3X the amount I know I will need, just in case…

Americans can thank Steve Henson, a real life cowboy and the founder of the very real Hidden Valley Ranch, for their addiction.

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Steve created the liquid gold while working as a plumber in Alaska in 1949. He later bought a 120-acre ranch in Santa Barbara, California where they opened their land to tourists and showed them the lands, the animals, and most notoriously the buttermilk dressing Steve made. After the demand grew and grew and grew, he eventually started selling at local shops, and that’s when he knew he had something special on his hands. 

In 1972, Henson unloaded his cash cow by selling the rights to the brand and product to Clorox for a cool $8 million. It was the bleach company’s idea to transform the dressing mix into a shelf-stable bottle of creamy dressing in 1983 which completely blows my mind. Clorox, the same company that is responsible for removing American’s stains is responsible for launching a flavor revolution throughout the country. From there, it obviously boomed around the world, and in 1992, overtaking Italy as the country’s most popular salad dressing (where, according to consumer market information company NDP, it remains).

As incredible as Henson’s venture was, he made one major mistake in the process. He trademarked “Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing” but did not even think to also tag “Ranch Dressing.” That opened the floodgates to a long list of B-team dopplegangers which are more than less used to judge how poor someone is when peeping through their fridge.

Hidden Valley is worth the extra $.68 cents, Sandra. And the keg is definitely worth $50.

Also, I’m ordering these socks STAT.

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