I am HOWLING at the Story About a Naughty Opossum Breaking Into a Liquor Store and Getting Drunk

IMG_8969How’s this for a top story?

FORT WALTON BEACH, Fla. (AP) — An opossum that apparently drank bourbon after breaking into a Florida liquor store sobered up at a wildlife rescue center and was released unharmed.

If you’ve never heard the phrase, “real life is stranger than fiction,” this is all you need to know to believe that it’s true. But if even if you are new to that particular saying, no one in America is new to the fact that Florida is the weirdest state in the country where undoubtedly the weirdest shit happens.


So yes, in Florida, an opossum broke into a liquor store, knocked over a bottle of bourbon and was found later by the police in a drunken state with the once-full bottle completely empty. Yup, this little lady got drunk AF on the liquor store’s dime!

But seriously, what the actual F happened here? First of all how many opossums have YOU seen randomly wandering the streets of your town? If the answer is between zero and two you are in the majority I would imagine. Maybe you’d see these mini monsters crossing the road every once and a while or cruising the wilderness, but for an opossum to be anywhere in the vicinity of a grocery store just seems very Florida-like bizarre.

Second, are opossums actually the smartest animals ever? Yeah, maybe you knocked over the bottle by accident (the story says she did actually come in through the rafters in the ceiling before making her way to the ground), but then you must KNOW it is alcohol and drink the whole G.D. bottle! That’s some serious stuff and honestly I don’t blame her since it obviously made the breaking and entering worth it.


Luckily for this naughty opossum, she did not have a hangover the next day according to the authorities. Oh, and P.S., I almost REFUSED to put the “O” in front of “opossum” because that just seems so wrong and I don’t want to believe that is the proper spelling. OK, rant over.

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Author: Taylor

Co-founder of Two Buttons Deep. Joan Rivers #1 fan. Nobody asked me, but...

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