The 5 Official Rules of Ugly Christmas Sweaters

It’s that time of the year again. Ugly Christmas sweater szn. I’m 100% behind ugly Christmas sweaters, but also 100% against what they have become. 

Way back yonder, Ugly Christmas sweaters were indeed, ugly. Made by your ancestor and 100% wool, you’d break it out anytime between December 20th and 25th from the back of your closet out of sheer holiday spirit. Nothing more, nothing less.

Vintage-90s-Nordic-Snowflake-Mens-Ski-Ugly-Christmas-Sweater.jpgEven when I was in high school, ugly Christmas sweaters were becoming cool again, which is a cool thing until they’re so cool they’re not cool anymore, cool? 

I remember in 2011 organizing ugly Christmas sweater day at my high school, and if you didn’t have one handed down from your Grandmother you had to…dare I say…go bargain shopping for one. There weren’t no damn H&M ripoffs available at the mall, no topical joke sweaters available at your doorstep in 2 days with Amazon Prime, there were thrift stores and your Father’s closet.

Today, ugly Christmas sweaters are no longer ugly, they’re just regular sweaters with topical Christmas patterns printed on them. And let me tell you, claiming you’re wearing an ugly Christmas sweater which lacks stitching is borderline criminal. It’s not an ugly sweater, you’re just an ugly person with a normal Christmas-themed sweater. Wearing something like this does not make you part of the gang:

Screen Shot 2017-12-13 at 6.36.00 PM.pngTHIS AIN’T NO UGLY CHRISTMAS SWEATER. This is literally a Champion sweater you find on sale at Marshall’s clamped with a topical joke that you think is gonna make other people laugh so you shell out $50 to wear it once before spilling the eggnog you were milking for 45 minutes until you throw it in the wash and watch it shrink 2 sizes. You are a basic bitch if you wear sweaters like these and call them ugly. A. Basic. Bitch.

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So here are a few rules to set the record straight:

  1. If you spend more than $20 on the sweater, you are a fool. Christmas sweaters were born to be bought from Salvation Army. I don’t care how much money you have, nobody in this world is too good for a quick sweep through Goodwill to find something money can’t buy. Well, it will still cost you a few bucks.
  2. If there’s a pop-culture reference on your shirt, you are trying way too hard. You’re not buying that shirt for yourself, you’re buying it for other people. The best you’re gonna get is a swift chuckle out of somebody. If they’re really into you, maybe a quick gush over how cool it is but let’s state it for what’s it’s worth, you paid $50 for a sweater you’re going to wear once.
  3. If it’s comfortable, you aren’t even participating. A true ugly Christmas sweater requires a long sleeved, maybe even a turtle neck underneath or else it’ll feel like you’re getting poked and prodded throughout the party. Anybody sitting there in comfort boasting about their comfort deserves nothing but stern looks.
  4. A turtleneck and vest is completely fair game. You’d never wear that ghastly combo any other day of the year unless you’re a school librarian so I’m gonna say it’s ugly, and it’s officially part of the line-up.
  5. If it’s homemade, you are legally required to tell everybody to they know what type of spirit level you’re at. Nothing at the party will match your homemade sweater. And it doesn’t matter if it’s knitted by your Mom or your Grandma, if it’s in your lineage, you are eligible to boast the whole roast about how you Christmas the most
  6. If you’re a reader of 2BD in the Capital Region, you 100% need to be at the Troy Kitchen this Saturday the 16th. Troy Kitchen’s first annual UGLY Christmas Sweater party is happening and we’ve got $100 and a RARE Miller Lite Sweater up for grabs to whomever shows up with the ugliest sweater in the bar. 8PM. Sweater contest. Be there or be a…

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Author: Captain Jack

Founder of Two Buttons Deep. Once went four buttons deep but that was a bad decision. Avid Hawaiian shirt enthusiast. Troy, NY.

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