You know that thing you do…When you enter a grocery store (a little fancier than the one in your neighborhood,) so you subliminally convince yourself their creatively branded healthy foods are worth trying? I did that with Trader Joe’s Roasted Seaweed Snack and it EASILY the worst food experience of my life ever since I tried whipped cream cheese. Whipped cream cheese is a scam.
I assumed seaweed was gross ever since the first time I tasted ocean water. But I was like oh, Trader Joe’s wouldn’t let me down, let me snack on it. And besides, I enjoy myself a nice seaweed salad at trusting sushi places, how bad could it be?
I open up the package and immediately get sent back to the last time I opened a girl scout cookie…Tin wrapping, a plastic tray in landscape mode, and a delightful amount of food contents.
Except instead of having me a thin mint, it’s a thin piece of seaweed. The size of half a graham cracker.
I pick it up. The edges crumble in my hand. It’s bright green, and dark green at the same time? It looks more like a cog of an elementary schooler’s art piece than it does food. Is it even food? I really can’t tell.
I lick it. It tastes like nothing. Literally no flavor. Not even a dose of Uncle Tony’s or a splash of lemon pepper. It’s just a blank slate. Shouldn’t it be salty? I think back to what the ocean tasted like, yeah, it should be salty.
Now I’m salty.
I take a bite. I can’t even bite through it. It’s literally somewhere between a piece of paper and plastic wrap, you can’t break it with your teeth. I’m actually bewildered at this point. Do people like this shit??? This is a snack for GOATS. I literally fold it in my mouth and questioned if this piece of seaweed is going to kill me, it’s not disintegrating in my mouth, is this how I’m going to die? God please….No.
I spit it out. It wasn’t even an easy spit, it was one of those where you spit but it attaches to your tongue so you must pry it from your lips with you hand while your head is tilted 45 degrees.
I check the expiration date. “It must be long overdue…” it’s good until October 11th….
I’m officially shook.
I give it to my girlfriend’s dog. A pitbull whose primary goal in life is to eat whatever is in front of him. He gingerly takes it in his mouth and then after a few moments of consideration, he spits it out and walks away…
This is the worst snack to ever possibly snack on, in the WORLD. Trader Joe’s, get your shit together and accept that fact that Seaweed is not a snack. Anybody who genuinely enjoys this list should be put on a criminal watch list. Including dogs.
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