If Amtrak Had Cupholders I Wouldn’t Have Creamed My Jeans Next To My Porn-Watching Seatmate

The Amtrak is a primary way for Albany people with enough money to avoid Megabus, but not enough money to sit first class, to make their way to and fro New York City. Something that has really irked me for the majority of my professional life is that these Amtrak cars do not have cupholders.

I ride Amtrak at least twice a month, and I had a peculiar incident last week which made me take time out of my day to tweet to Amtrak.

When I step on the train, boom, my cell service and wifi recedes like family jewels in the winter air. I was just in 5 bar cell coverage, why can’t I get it on the Amtrak? Their free wifi is nothing but a hoax, don’t even get me started…However, this all comes full circle as to why it got me rattled. 

When boarding Amtrak, I normally do anything I can to avoid sitting next to people on the train. But this ride was booked to the T, so I picked my victim, asked him if I could sit next to him, and god I wish he said no. 

I sat there trying to get some work done on my phone with my coffee bobbling on the indent-less tray like a basketball riding a skateboard as we made our way along the Hudson. I look over at my seat neighbor, a guy about my age, dressed to the nines, clearly coming home from business just as I had been. He was previously on what seemed to be a conference call, but now was scrolling through his phone.

I peeked at his phone because…I just did, I’m nosy by nature, I think most people are as nosy as me? I don’t know why but I did, but I really wish I didn’t.

My seatmate was now scrolling through a huge archive of gay pornography. And not just any ordinary porn, just straight photos of dudes with giant dicks. I’m talkin’ like 8-10 inch dicks and this guy was just going through an endless supply like it was Twitter. He would do this for over and hour and a half.

The first thing I thought was “how does his wifi work so well?”

Obviously the thing to do when sitting next to a perv is to move seats, but there were literally none available. And I wasn’t trying to cause a scene, he wasn’t harming anybody or doing anything physically inappropriate, so I played it cool and asked Amtrak what to do.

This guy didn’t even try to hide the fact he was doing this. I think he knew I was looking at him and he was into it. He just simply opened up his posture so I could get a better view. How generous.

Anyways, back to the cupholder. Yeah. While trying to gingerly adjust something without interrupting my neighbor, I bumped my coffee on the indent-less tray, causing a bit of it to fly onto the tray and right into my crotch. I was sitting next a man watching gay porn and now I had cream all over my jeans. I had to go to the bathroom to clean up and take this photo evidence because god forbid I took this picture in my seat, I’d be in his archive before I knew it.

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I would say this is the worst case scenario Amtrak ride, but then again one train on the same path last week literally disconnected halfway through the ride, so it could be worse.

But I swear to god, for the first time ever, I think the Megabus would have been a better choice. 



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Author: Captain Jack

Founder of Two Buttons Deep. Once went four buttons deep but that was a bad decision. Avid Hawaiian shirt enthusiast. Troy, NY.

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